When I was younger, I would hang onto crazy obssessive grudges. Like, I'd damn an enemy's entire family tree, laugh with glee at the thought of awful things happening to them, waste entire evenings prank calling them - you get the drift.
I don't do this anymore. I was thinking about it earlier and trying to piece together if it's because I'm happier now or if I realized that being happy about their misfortune doesn't change who they are. While I know these things come to play, I think it was some weird way of self-preservation. If I did or thought all kinds of awful things to or about someone and they still wanted to patch things up later, then it proved that they weren't a sorry sack of crap. Also, let's be realistic: trumping someone up into a horrible monster who is damned no matter what the hell they do is a nice way of keeping yourself from talking to them again.
Fucked up, isn't it?
Yeah, so I don't do this crap anymore. (Although I admit to getting my jollies when EvilExFromHell was fired from his job and forced to move back home with Mommy and Daddy.) If I don't like someone, the only time really effects anything is if I'm forced to be around them. It really bothers me when others trap me into hanging out with someone who makes me want to gargle glass shards. (But that's due more to a line of respect between me and my friend[s] than an ability to act like an adult.) Otherwise, I'm fine with ignoring someone. I'll keep a running commentary, but snippy words are just snippy words and I'd like to think that I know when it's inappropriate to run my mouth off at someone else.
Where the hell did this come from? I read a post from a friend. No, seriously. It wasn't a particularly deep or meaningful post. On the contrary, I almost choked to death from laughing so hard. Other people's perceptions made me think of the whole "grudge" thing.
No, really, this poorly written, grammatically incorrect rambling mess has a point.
I promise.
Anyway. The gears started turning in my head. I started to think about how some people are more than willing to joke about giving enemies a second chance. As one who believes that there is a smidge of truth in every joke, this bugs me. I mean, sheesh, there are legitemate reasons that I don't want to be around someone! Even though I don't hold onto many grudges anymore, I know that there's nothing wrong with not hanging out with someone I can't stand and not every falling out needs to turn into a "cooling off" period.
I know that my insecurities were what drove me to hold grudges. I know that they drove me to drop those grudges with little to no thought because I missed the good things about hanging out with someone. I don't need more people around to enjoy myself, which is what a lot of this boils down to.
I think this post mutated into something totally out there. I'll probably read it tomorrow and scratch my head while wondering why I think I'm so much deeper than I am.
