Hihi stress.

In just over a month from now, I will be done this semester. I'm a bit nervous. I have a presentation, two large (12-15 page) papers, three finals and about six essays to turn in before then.

I really hope I don't bomb my classes (and I'm hoping against hope that my History professor will not hold my excessive recitation period absences against me). Ok, so even though I am afraid about absences for that class, I'm being a smidge melodramatic. All day Tuesday and all day Thursday is fucking murder, especially when I am supposed to be in class by 8:40 on Friday mornings. This was not my most well-thought out plan. If the absolutely worst case scenario happens and I fail the class, I can always just retake it with one of my professors for this semester. Even with one failure, I should certainly have high enough grades in the rest of my classes to keep me at above a C.

/end panicky melodrama

Although next semester will be a heavier load, the schedule will be so much easier. I'm excited about it. I'll have three wmst/history courses, a wmst/philosophy course, one (easy) math course and a wmst/American culture course. I'm taking one of my professors again, so I'm pretty excited about that. I just need to get a little more excited about working my ass off for the remainder of this semester. Ugh.

Personal/political, blah blah

I'm really fucking annoyed with people who spread -ist nonsense all over the place. I realize that I don't come off anyone near as hardcore in person as I really am, but HELLO...WOMEN'S STUDIES MAJOR. HELLO?!?!?!? I know, I know, I'm acting like a whiny fuck. (Or, if you feel like being omg ironic, substitute "stupid bitch" or "humorless feminazi" for "whiny fuck.") But it really bugs the shit out of me.

I've been thinking a lot about doing my part to change things or certain habits that I am morally opposed to (even though I still take part in them). It pisses me off that others who are in comparable positions to myself just don't give a flying fuck. Who knows- maybe I'm becoming more of a hippie in my old age. I don't know what the point of this mess is; I can't really go into it without naming names or pointing fingers and goodness knows that will just start a big ol' queenfest on my fucking blog.

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Anyway.

I was in the ER twice this week. Once on Tuesday for sharp stomach pains and once on Friday for bronchitis. I'm feeling so-so today and hoping that this will improve a bit by tomorrow (day three of Zithromax, the wonder-antibiotic). This means I am going to have to quit smoking again very soon and I will probably need to cut way back on going to the bar. (Another rant for another time. No, it's nothing really personal against anyone who may stumble across this blog- have you noticed that people only put that disclaimer up when it really IS something personal against someone who could stumble across their blog?)

I definitely need to cut way back on the bar because:

1- I can't afford it every weekend.
2- Smoky atmosphere while trying to quit smoking and because of chronic bronchitis: not a good idea.
3- I really don't want to fuck up my health or risk putting on an excessive amount of weight in a short period of time. I know I'd be in better shape/health if I cut out more career drinking nights.
4- I need to better prioritize my goals and work on my schoolwork a lot more than I have been. It took me years to get myself out of community college misery and I do NOT want to fuck myself up now.
5- Last time I was there, I think I was getting hit on. By a GUY. (No thanks, that's why I prefer the gay bars.)

Ok, so 5 isn't a reason reason, but I'm using it to illustrate the fact that the crowd has definitely shifted a lot since the first time I went there. Also, it was really icky. *shudders*

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I feel like crap. I had a point earlier with the personal is the political stuff, but the more I blabbered, the more I realized I couldn't really articulate it and I got annoyed.

Grudges

When I was younger, I would hang onto crazy obssessive grudges. Like, I'd damn an enemy's entire family tree, laugh with glee at the thought of awful things happening to them, waste entire evenings prank calling them - you get the drift.

I don't do this anymore. I was thinking about it earlier and trying to piece together if it's because I'm happier now or if I realized that being happy about their misfortune doesn't change who they are. While I know these things come to play, I think it was some weird way of self-preservation. If I did or thought all kinds of awful things to or about someone and they still wanted to patch things up later, then it proved that they weren't a sorry sack of crap. Also, let's be realistic: trumping someone up into a horrible monster who is damned no matter what the hell they do is a nice way of keeping yourself from talking to them again.

Fucked up, isn't it?

Yeah, so I don't do this crap anymore. (Although I admit to getting my jollies when EvilExFromHell was fired from his job and forced to move back home with Mommy and Daddy.) If I don't like someone, the only time really effects anything is if I'm forced to be around them. It really bothers me when others trap me into hanging out with someone who makes me want to gargle glass shards. (But that's due more to a line of respect between me and my friend[s] than an ability to act like an adult.) Otherwise, I'm fine with ignoring someone. I'll keep a running commentary, but snippy words are just snippy words and I'd like to think that I know when it's inappropriate to run my mouth off at someone else.

Where the hell did this come from? I read a post from a friend. No, seriously. It wasn't a particularly deep or meaningful post. On the contrary, I almost choked to death from laughing so hard. Other people's perceptions made me think of the whole "grudge" thing.

No, really, this poorly written, grammatically incorrect rambling mess has a point.

I promise.

Anyway. The gears started turning in my head. I started to think about how some people are more than willing to joke about giving enemies a second chance. As one who believes that there is a smidge of truth in every joke, this bugs me. I mean, sheesh, there are legitemate reasons that I don't want to be around someone! Even though I don't hold onto many grudges anymore, I know that there's nothing wrong with not hanging out with someone I can't stand and not every falling out needs to turn into a "cooling off" period.

I know that my insecurities were what drove me to hold grudges. I know that they drove me to drop those grudges with little to no thought because I missed the good things about hanging out with someone. I don't need more people around to enjoy myself, which is what a lot of this boils down to.

I think this post mutated into something totally out there. I'll probably read it tomorrow and scratch my head while wondering why I think I'm so much deeper than I am.

Drunken messages

I call our answering machine 3 out of every 4 times I drink. I don't know why I do it, I think I just enjoy annoying my sleeping boyfriend rambling to Boyfriend even though he's dead asleep. I never let him delete the messages. When I clean off the answering machine, I listed to my drunken messages and laugh hysterically.

The worst part is that even when I'm sober, they somehow make sense to me. I guess that doesn't say a whole lot for me.

Food

We spent $280 on groceries between last night and tonight. :O

Since we bought so much, I've decided to make a cooking related journal on El Jay. It would be nice to be able to get pics and other documentation of especially proud vegan moments in my life, as well as have a place I could point my mom when she is having exceptionally domestically challenged moments. (Oh, the cooking scars my mother has inflicted upon my childhood. She can bake, but otherwise, Dad does all the real cooking...is it a shock that I'm a Women's Studies major now?)

I don't think I could ever go back to a non-vegan diet. I've been having cravings for non-veg*n food lately, but everytime I smell it cooking, I feel like I might vomit. Ick. My parents have, suprisingly, been very supportive and willing to try various food I eat. I even conned my mother into taking me to Kingdom of Vegetarians! They bought me Silk Nog during Christmas! My parents even wanted the carrot cake recipe from Garden of Vegan. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?

Let's try this again.

The point of this is to make 101 goals you intend to complete in 1001 days. If you read through all of them, you'll see that getting my blog up and running is goal number #88. My personal deadline is May 9th, 2008.

I'll be honest. The first 45 or so were a piece of cake. I started reaching towards the end of the goals, but I think that even the silliest ones on here will also be difficult to meet. (Look at #45- you'd think it would be so easy, but lately I've been forgetting to put any of that stuff on.)

I really hope my parents don't read this. (Isn't that sad? I'm 26 years old and afraid of the crap my parents might give me for a handful of the items on this list.)

Physical:

1- Quit smoking for good.
2- Take off at least 20 lbs.
3- Diligently wash face/remove makeup and brush teeth EVERY night, even if I'm exhausted.
4- Stop eating so much processed garbage.
5- Start exercising (pref. yoga).
6- Drink more water.
7- Limit caffenated beverages to twice a day.
8- Get at least one good, real massage.
9- Get microderm abrasion.
10- Get tested.
11- Get a gyno exam and get back on birth control.
12- Get a tubal (which will probably happen closer to the 1001 cutoff).
13- Try a Divacup.

Mental:

14- Read the books and magazines I've accumulated over the past few months.
15- Significantly cut down TV & internet time.
16- Let go of old grudges against ex-boyfriends.
17- I am a badass, awesome, sassy hot bitch who people love talking to. Start believing it.
18- Become a nicer person without losing my edge.

Creative/Artistic:

19- Expand music tastes again.
20- Learn how to silkscreen.
21- Make one piece of clothing that I could wear in public without embarassing myself.
22- Learn how to knit.
23- Make a piece of jewelry (can be simple or complex) that is both unique and appropriate for wearing out of the house.
24- Let my hair grow out one last time.
25- Learn how to make good graphics for drunkenatheist.com.
26- Take more snapshots.
27- Help make a silly movie about the pets.
28- Collaborate with Boyfriend on an artistic project of some sort.
29- DIY one piece of clothing and wear it out in public.
30- Tweak a piece of furniture. (i.e., repaint or stencil it, decoupage, etc.)
31- Have more snapshots taken of me.
32- Learn how to do more artistic makeup (i.e., high fashion type of stuff).

Interpersonal:

33- Stop picking arguments and overreacting about stupid shit because I'm feeling rammy.
34- Make at least two real life friends who share some common interests or ideologies with me.
35- Make at least one casual friend at Temple.
36- Contact at least one old friend from high school.
37- Hang out with a group of online friends at least once a year.
38- Make more out of internet time by commenting to/emailing/IM'ing e & real life friends.
39- Go to NYC at least once before the end of the year.
40- Go to Atlantic City, stay until at least 8 or 9 am and have mimosas with breakfast.
41- Go to Canada at least once before graduation.

Activism/Charity work:

42- Get involved with the Temple Feminist group.
43- Donate as much as I can to various charities.
44- Join at least one more organization whose mission appeals to me.
45- Do one thing a week for one of my causes, even if it's just wearing a button or a bracelet.
46- Get involved with at least one non-Temple related community/local group.
47- Make more vegan food for my parents.
48- Scrutinize food and clothing labels more carefully.
49- Carry mini "companies that don't test on animals" lists at all times.
50- Write Letters to the Editor and remember to actually send them.
51- Submit my story to ins.
52- Thoroughly research candidates for the upcoming elections so I can make the most informed decision possible.
53- Eradicate gendered slurs from my vocabulary. (This is going to be difficult because I'm so in the habit of letting "bitch" or "cunt" slip out that I don't even realize I'm doing it.)

Financial:

54- Make a budget and stick to it for longer than a week.
55- Ebay everything that must go.
56- Get my damn car fixed.
57- Keep up on all the regular maintenance for my car.
58- Bite the bullet and get a tattoo.
59- Plan Christmas shopping (all three years) as early as possible.
60- Go six months without coming within $100 of my Visa limit.
61- Double the money in my ING account with each financial aid disbursement.
62- Hunt at thrift stores until I find at least one cute thing.

Domestic:

63- Make daily, weekly & monthly cleaning schedules. Stick to them for longer than a month.
64- Start planning meals for every week. Cook and freeze meals on weekends.
65- Train Oswald to stop acting like a dominant little peckerhead.
66- Create or master at least 10 recipes that can be used at anytime.
67- Fix the fucking toilet.
68- Get organized.
69- Hang artwork, posters and full length mirror.
70- Paint the hallway.
71- Scrape off popcorn finish on upstairs and ceilings.
72- Get extra sets of keys made for the cars and the house.
73- Recaulk kitchen and bathroom.
74- Help my parents get their Ebay stuff squared away.
75- Sort all of my recipes and collect ones from Vegetarian Times.
76- Try one new food every month.

Academic:

77- Improve vocabulary and writing skills.
78- Bone up on French enough to take the CLEP and not fail miserably.
79- Get the Women's Studies/English double major.
80- Pick a minor and earn that.
81- Keep a GPA at or above 3.25
82- Get accepted into a MA/PhD program.
83- Secure a bangin internship.
84- Make at least one connection that will benefit me later down the road.
85- Keep on top of reading and studying instead of waiting to the last second.

Interweb/Computer:

86- Do memories/tags for The Feminist Forum.
87- Update http://www.myneighborhoodsucks.com on a regular basis.
88- Make a public, but more introspective blog for http://www.drunkenatheist.com.
89- Utilize my abandoned writing journal again.
90- Get more content for Klaus and Oswald's websites.
91- Update http://www.drunkenatheist.com with real content instead of using it to host pics.
92- Get or make more usericons for my Livejournal.
93- Update Abortion Newsblog more often.
94- Learn how to use one program on Boyfriend's Mac.
95- Keep laptop and desktop as clean as possible. Organize files as often as possible and stop leaving crap all over the desktop.
96- Post at least one positive thing a week.

Miscellaneous:

97- Try at least one new thing every month.
98- Try one new restaurant every two months.
99- Work on my punctuality. Be on time for everything for one whole week.
100- Take a random car or regional rail/train trip to no real place for no real reason.
101- Go to a dog park with beagleface.

Now I am off to do a few of these things before bed.